Oh to be young, gifted and on the fast track to success. If you’re one of the lucky few who actually enjoy their job then you know pulling yourself away from a desk you actually don’t mind sitting at is easier said than done. You also know that “I Want to Work for Diddy” and “The Devil Wears Prada” are eerily too close for comfort to your everyday life.
Late nights, skipped meals, caffeine highs and conference calls, as annoying as it is, you wouldn’t trade it for a day of paid vacation (admit it, you actually enjoy the humdrum of the AC kicking on and off). There’s a thin line between hustling hard and a legit obsession with your job, and you may be treading dangerously close to the latter.
But I digress. It costs to be the boss and this is our toll to success. So to all the people who are on a first name basis with the office cleaning crew, are unfazed by empty parking lots on dark nights, and can’t go more than 20 minutes without checking an email; this one’s for you.
1. Happy hour is a faint memory.
Somewhere out there people are ending their day at 5:00 PM and with a ½ off martini. We hate each and every one of them.
2. You often wonder how your chronic Facebook friends have idle time to post #MorningMotivations, bathroom selfies and passive aggressive statuses when there is clearly work to be done.
In the time it takes to tell us how amazing both God and your bagel were this morning, you could’ve done, well, something.
3. You really make a legitimate effort to eat healthier but never quite get around to finishing off that bag of salad in the fridge.
You bought it so that technically counts as healthy living, right?
4. You do your best work after 6PM.
5. Your really good friends still invite you places, but it’s an unstated rule you’ll be running at least an hour late and will be preoccupied with emails once you arrive. But again, they’re your real friends so they understand.
6. It’s been 15 minutes and you haven’t received an email. Something must be terribly wrong.
7. Where would we be without a microwave?
8. After a super late night at the office, it’s totally understandable why sweats and your favorite college hoodie would make the perfect wardrobe.
It’s basically you’re second home (well really your first because you’re at work more than your real home) so why not?
9. There’s an ottoman under your desk.
But for real though.
10. You wholeheartedly believe your hard work will one day pay off, but in moments of despair and grogginess you sometimes wonder if this is true.
11. Despite your ailing health, for some reason you still feel a twinge of guilt for calling off work.
It’s just pneumonia, you’ll be alright.
12. Thank God for your DVR.
Like really, stop what you’re doing and thank God for your DVR because without it you are nothing.
13. If you hear about this work/life balance thing one more time…
14. Because you work so much, friends and family assume you must be stressed and therefore load you with scented candles, bath products and other de-stressors on birthdays and Christmas.
15. Come December you have at least eight vacation days left and no idea how to use them.
16. There’s at least one fast food restaurant near your house that knows your name and order by heart.
Late nights call for desperate measures.
17. You’re probably single.
18. After 7PM, it’s completely acceptable to walk around the office barefoot.
If you’re gonna be there, why not be comfortable?
19. You can’t remember your mom’s cell phone number, but darn it you’ve memorized your company’s teleconference dial in. Oh, and this has happened.
Bonus points if you know the passcode.
20. While most people admire our passion, there are a handful of naysayers who can’t seem to understand our hustle. To them, we say visit us in a few years when we’re millionaires and have schools resurrected in our honor.
At least that’s what we tell ourselves.
21. If your laptop or cell phone crashed right now and never recovered, real tears would be shed.
22. Five hours of sleep is a pretty decent night.
23. Given your intense work schedule it’s almost impossible to picture yourself married with children.
24. Thanks to your Facebook newsfeed you now know what’s going on in the world.
Bottom line, workaholism is real folks. And like any addiction, admission is the first step to recovery. So screw what everyone else says, finish typing that email and consider this the start of your journey to leave the office at 5PM.