So last week I uncovered an earth shattering revelation — our beloved head church usher, Sister Shirley was widely known on the block for keeping a pistol in her purse each and every Sunday. The same 72-year-old woman who gave me stale mints on the regular and who, with the flick of her wrist, ushered saints, aint’s and other worldly souls into the house of the Lord, could and would kill my, or any other black ass if need be. As a child, fed, bred and raised in black church culture, this got me thinking about the roster of other parishioners who are also ’bout that life.
Don’t get it twisted, church folks luh God, but they will also knock you the f**k out in the name of Jesus if the situation calls for it. Take Rev. Al Sharpton for example. Outside of a few Twitter thugs coming for his selfie game, name a time when someone actually stepped to the reverend and successfully laid hands. You can’t, and it’s for a reason. Similar to the Wu-Tang Clan, black church folk ain’t nuttin’ ta f**k wit, particularly these men and women.
- Security Ministry
First, let’s get one thing straight. Not one member of your church security team is trained in anything other than to walk alongside the pastor and patrol the church parking lot, so don’t ever look to them to Superman a situation because your feelings will get hurt. Armed with a Bluetooth headset, Best Buy walkies for the megachurch workers, and one good Sunday suit, these dedicated folks will protect the pastor by any means necessary. Made up of primarily of men whose mothers and wives gave them an ultimatum to either serve in a ministry or have their cable cancelled, they could care less that your soul needs saved; come move your double-parked car now Sister Tammy.
- Choir Director
It takes a lot of pettiness to tell the Sunshine Babies Choir they sound like the sound equivalent of a Viola Davis ugly cry, or to tell a 250-lb soprano (likely named Patrice) she’s sharp in front of the entire choir, therefore forfeiting your piece of pound cake following service (and ya’ll know Patrice’s pound cake is bae). Oh, but somebody’s got to do it. Complete with a tambourine, special First Sunday robe, and the almighty black power fist choir signal that literally translates to “shut the hell up” in Hebrew, the choir director is essentially the Matthew Knowles of the church. They created the ish, control the ish and will do whatever needs to be done to keep the ish sounding right. Wear what they say wear, do the fake choir praise when prompted, and sing the song right Anna Mae, and no one gets hurt.
- First Lady
You didn’t really think the Pastor thought of that Building Fund strategy himself do you? Imagine Lynn Whitfield’s character in Greenleaf, then multiply that by 100 bedazzles and church hats. First ladies basically invented the side eye, and patented the read right before debuting the clap back — all before Communion was served. This is the bonafide No. 1 Stunna who will undoubtedly claim your firstborn child if you even think about hugging her man, the pastor, too long in the prayer line. Underneath her Sunday hat is nothing but pure shade and she will cast it at will. Sounds ruthless? Well, that’s because it is. You made her this way. It ain’t easy being green and it dang sure ain’t easy banging the highest ranking man in the church whose title alone is a sanctified panty dropper. Oh, and don’t you dare sit in her pew or not acknowledge her presence, particularly on the church anniversary, or before giving the church announcements. In her mind, she’s a COGIC Michelle Obama and “respek” must be put on her name at all times.
Truth is they’re tired so don’t try them, particularly on a major church holiday like Easter or Mother’s Day. Known to move in silence (besides the occasional squeak of their orthopedic shoes or the swish of their white tights), and communicate in the language of “Rhythm Nation” hand signals, they will cut a saint without hesitation if you even look like you’re thinking about disrupting the church service. Whether you’re a baby who just sharted on yourself (which is a universal 911 situation), or simply need a glass of water, they could care less about your emergency if it happens to occur while pastor is preaching. I also believe church nurses are intentionally petty in deciding who they do and do not cover with a prayer cloth during extreme praise breaks. This alone makes them especially badass individuals.
- Former Pimp Turned Deacon
He ain’t been saved all his life and therefore will set his religion aside in a heartbeat to whip some ass. Typically styled in a patchwork denim outfit and single gold hoop earring, these men may seem nice to the untrained eye, but deep down are Christian-ized Nino Browns dressed in Steve Harvey suits. They live for a late-night lounge, sneak a bottle of gin to the church picnic and likely have smashed a few of the older, divorced women in the church.
- Church Mother
Hands down, this is the most lethal of them all. A true OG in the game, these seemingly pleasant, every Sunday sisters will shade you down to the white meat and not think twice about it. Why? Because that’s what a boss chick in a lilac-colored, two-piece suit, initialed prayer cloth and fresh roller set does, particularly when she knows she’s paid her dues in life and can do, say and be whatever the f**k she wants, and we have to deal with it because she’s an AARP loyalty member who also loves God. You don’t need to know her testimony (that’s between her and God), but please believe she knows yours and is most certainly judging you. She also can’t stand the “too sweet” tenor, hates the gospel rap portion of Youth Sunday, unapologetically laughs at fat kids and ugly babies, and wholeheartedly believes Sister Twyla knew good and well what she was doing when she got the Holy Ghost and her boob “accidentally” popped out. Bottom line, she’s not here for it, actually never was and gives no f**ks if you ever thought otherwise.