Life as a woman ain’t no crystal stair. Period horror stories, mastering YouTube makeup tutorials, squeezing bloated behinds into bodycon freakum dresses only to shed real tears upon the realization that with every little step your dress rises about 2 inches, officially making you “that girl.” But in true grown woman fashion, we adapt and we survive. We take the blows, face our fears and come out victorious… most times. I repeat, most times.
Then there are the other times. Times we’re perfectly okay with our weave not blending into our natural hair. Times when one Saturday morning errand turns to ten and we’ve somehow spent 12 solid hours running the streets in a gangsta leaning bonnet and our cleaning day sweats. And then there are times we eff’ing leave the house like this.
*sigh* I get it, life is hectic and gel can be sparse. Going about the day with no stray hairs whipping around your face, and taking in a summer day frizz-free, minus the concern of rising roots is a great and all, but ladies this has to stop. I blame you Tina Campbell.
When did it become fashionable to rock a jellybean on top of our heads? Yes a jellybean, because when your head is the size of a cantaloupe and you force what few strong strands of hair you have left into a knot placed directly atop your head, that’s exactly what your “bun” looks like.
Now let me be clear, there’s nothing wrong with the traditional high bun. It’s chic, low maintenance and accommodates virtually any outfit and makeup vibe. But when the length of your hair can’t compete with the reach of your eyelashes, Houston, you have a problem that a Goody ponytail holder can’t solve. I mean, we’re one step away from going back to ony-tails. Yes ony-tails. It’d be a disrespect to throw in the “p” and categorize this hairstyle as an official ponytail.
Oh, and if you’re dead-set on sporting the baby bun, must it be so tight? Surely it can’t be good for the scalp blood flow and God only knows the torture you’re causing your beloved baby hairs. The permanent bobby pin dent in the back of your head holding up the strays ain’t too cute either. And yes, although you bought the copper-toned or jet-black bobby pins to blend in with your hair tone, we can still see it.
I’m a firm believer that true success comes in stages. If a baby bun is your go-to hairstyle I imagine switching it up won’t come easy. So if you too suffer from a severe lack of girth in your high bun, here are a few small steps to hopefully make the transition a little more tolerable.
- Take it the f**k out. This is key to the process and a crucial step for total healing.
- Make friends with a headband, scarf, clip-ins or any other alternative that doesn’t result in you looking like Phil and Lil from Rugrats.
- Consider new friends because your current crew is a bunch of liars who have a knack for avoiding the tough issues, case in point your hair style of choice.
- Enjoy the breeze. Quick, undo your bun and find the nearest COGIC church because your scalp is free now and a run around the sanctuary to commemorate the joy it feels at finally taking in a gust of wind is well in order.
- Know that all good things must be enjoyed in moderation. While I don’t really believe it, there may in fact be times when rocking a bun smaller than an ant’s loop knot may be appropriate. When, I don’t know. *thinking* Yeah I really don’t know. So save your gel for more important occasions ladies and make a declaration that from this day forth, your scalp shall live.