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One Time for Michelle Wolf and White-on-White Shade

There’s something about bearing witness to white people reading other white people that is simply divine. This past weekend comedian Michelle Wolf was all of us if all of us were invited to the White House Correspondents Dinner, and all of us got the mic. The jokes were harsh, brutal and shadingly wonderful. Here’s a few of our favorites.

On Kellyanne Conway:

“She has the perfect last name for what she does, Conway… You guys have got to stop putting Kellyanne on your shows. All she does is lie. If you don’t give her a platform, she has nowhere to lie. It’s like that old saying, if a tree falls in the woods, how do we get Kellyanne under that tree? I’m not suggesting she gets hurt. Just stuck. Stuck under a tree.”

On Ivanka Trump:

“There’s also, of course, Ivanka. She was supposed to be an advocate for women, but it turns out she’s about as helpful to women as an empty box of tampons. She’s done nothing to satisfy women. So, I guess like father, like daughter.”

On Michael Cohen:

“It’s 2018 and I’m a woman so you cannot shut me up. Unless you have Michael Cohen wire me $130,000.”

On Sarah Huckabee Sanders:

“I have to say I’m a little star-struck. I love you as Aunt Lydia in ‘The Handmaid’s Tale.’ Mike Pence, if you haven’t seen it, you would love it.”

“I actually really like Sarah. I think she’s very resourceful. But she burns facts and then she uses that ash to create a perfect smokey eye. Like maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s lies. It’s probably lies.”

On Trump:

“People call Trump names all the time. And look, I could call Trump a racist or a misogynist or xenophobic or unstable or incompetent or impotent. But he’s heard all of those and he doesn’t care. So tonight, I’m going to try to make fun of the president in a new way, in a way that I think will really get him. Mr. President: I don’t think you’re very rich. Like I think you might be rich in Idaho, but in New York you’re doing fine.”

More on Trump:

“[He] loves white nationalists, which is a weird term for a Nazi. Calling a Nazi a white nationalist is like calling a pedophile a ‘kid friend.’ Or Harvey Weinstein a ‘ladies man.’ Which isn’t really fair. He also likes plants.”

On Democrats:

“Democrats are harder to make fun of because you guys don’t do anything. People think you might flip the House and Senate this November, but you guys always find a way to mess it up. You’re somehow going to lose by 12 points to a guy named Jeff Pedophile Nazi Doctor.”

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