So There’s a FitBit for D**ks and We Have Questions

Always wanted to know many thrusts your partner gave during sex? Me neither but someone does. So much so that the manufacturers at British Condom created the i.Com Smart Condom, which they claim is “the world’s first smart condom.”

The product comes (no pun intended, well, kinda) in the form of a ring that is placed over a standard condom. The ring contains a host of nanochips and sensors that are Bluetooth compatible and provide data such as the number and velocity of thrusts, girth measurements, duration of intercourse, calories burnt and the number of positions used per week. It also detects STDs and compares measurements with other male i.Con users worldwide.

Sounds cool, I guess, if the moans, or lackthereof, of your partner didn’t give any indication into the prowess of your deep (or shallow) stroke. And while I’m sure women worldwide appreciate the additional insight into the “d,” there are a few questions that come along with having a data collecting tool affixed to your penis.

1. What’s in it for us?

Does it vibrate? Give the dick one of those nice curves toward the end? Have a downloadable playlist? Tidal discount? Provide tutorials for new positions or use infrared light to find the G-spot and stay there? If I’m taking time out of my day to lay with a man whose cock ring 2.0 is knocking against my pelvic door all to see how his velocity of thrusts compares to some random guy in Spain, please believe there better be something in it for me.

2. Does the device measure the impact of the thrusts?

Life is like a box of chocolates. You can eat the whole damn box but it’s usually only one or two pieces that were worth the calories. The same rationale applies to the bedroom; it’s the simple rule of quality over quantity. Thrust me 100 times and I’m likely sore and irritated. Thrust me a couple of times and make me grip a sheet or whisper some sweet (or ratchet ish, whichever you prefer) in your ear and you may get breakfast in the morning.

3. How does this STD notification thing work?

So you know how in Lord of the Rings Frodo’s sword had a swagged out blue glow when Orgs are approaching? That’s how I envision the i.Con alerting its owner that it may have come into contact with a broken pussy. Hmm…but what about me? Is there some sort of dog whistle, life alert or GroupMe text that goes out to women informing us that the guy we just gave our Instagram handle too probably has Chlamydia?

 4. Is it safe?

So I have this theory that any piece of technology touching the human body will eventually cause cancer. Weird I know, especially coming from a girl whose cell phone has a beach property rental in her bra, but a truth nonetheless. There doesn’t seem like any danger in strapping a highly intelligent piece of technology to one of your most valuable body parts, right? Ugh, it just feels so wrong (but maybe to the guys it feels right. #NoJudgeZone).

5. Is it waterproof?

Speaking of dangers, assuming guy [X] comes into physical contact with girl [Y] who happens to be a…never mind. But for real, what happens and can this device stand the rain?

6. Is there a size limit?

A special shout-out goes to all of the men who will require an expander.

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