I’m no Pinterest board when it comes to dressing but all-in-all I do alright. Pattern matching, decent stiletto game, limited to no fear of color, a growing collection of quirky sweatshirts, enough thrift store vintage pieces to say I have a few, and an essential supply of black-rimmed glasses accentuated by the always perfect accessory of misbehaving hair curls. Think nerdy, cutesy chic with a pop of business flare and Sunday best when applicable. Like I said, I do alright. But apparently that’s also the case for an annoying group of preschoolers with fashion-savvy parents determined to find faux fur vests in a size 4T. Where in gender-neutral Target-land are they finding this stuff? No idea but dangit they are.
I’m not sure when these 3-foot tall fashionistas began to care about color blocking, non-prescription Harry Potter glasses and high buns, and quite frankly I don’t care. But when North West’s Tuesday afternoon fur puts my favorite Express pea coat to shame, the ish must be stopped. I know, it isn’t the kid’s fault. I blame the moms. Twenty and thirty somethings angry with themselves for willingly purchasing their first official mom outfit consisting of Old Navy khakis (BOGO) and a matching cardigan, who are now hell bent on passing the swag gene to their offspring in exchange for Facebook Likes and to prove to themselves and the world, they too are cool and so are their kids.
I get it, basic chicks do basic things and no respectable Kindergartener in her right mind wants to be caught dead on Picture Day in a Buy Buy Baby clearance rack ensemble, but when did pigtails and overalls become not cool enough? And when did these Just for Me wannabe models start getting twist-outs and Crotchet hair at four-years-old? Well I call bulls**t on it all.
So to everyone out there who’s ever questioned their own fashion sense because they saw some five-year-old walking through Walmart in distressed denim, loafers and an ascot, this one’s for you.
1. Awww — That warm and fuzzy, kids are so cute type of feeling.
How cute that someone’s Project Runway inspired child decided to pair thier boyfriend jean with a V-neck white tee, head wrap and Tori Burch flats. No, playground mulch and art day traditionally aren’t too kind to starched, white button-ups, but they’re 4-years old dressed as an entry level accountant on casual Friday, so for the sake of cuteness everywhere, we’ll let it go.
2. But wait… — They’re so freaking cute you can’t stop staring so naturally you begin to notice the details.
From the ’round the way up and down appraisal, to mentally totaling the value of their outfit, you’ve basically done everything but slash the kid’s Barbie Jeep tires.
I mean, the cigarette pant would of been cute if that apple sauce stain hadn’t of happened (side note: rarely does anything positive come after a sentence beginning with “I mean”). And that jeweled choker necklace you’ve been eyeing at the consignment shop, well, who knew it would look so good on someone nowhere near old enough to understand the cultural impact the choker has had on accessories everywhere. I mean, I guess.
3. *Side Eye* – The shade sets in.
Kid, go park your Vans. The checkered button-up underneath the cable-knit sweater, set-off by an infinity scarf and black blazer can’t be too comfortable in a game of freeze tag. *insert mean girl laugh* As a matter of fact, I hope you remain frozen the entire game, sweat out your hair gel, and gets tripped on the way to home base, scuffing your Sperry’s.
4. Self-Awareness – Am I really throwing shade at a toddler?
Wait, did I just say that? Ok, I admit it, I’m kind of a s**tty human being. I’m sorry Hunter, Chase, Jayden or any other gender-neutral, racially ambiguous name. Pulling the loose thread from your tweed blazer wasn’t right and neither was swapping your J’s for Curry Twos when I knew today was Picture Day and your mom ordered the full-length pose next to the oversized Lego® block.
Don’t hate the playa’, hate the game (and the movie). Yes, Blue Ivy’s closet value totals more than my college tuition, but is that cause enough to wish her a lifestyle of Aeropastale screen print tees, Old Navy flip flops and a dime-sized amount of frizz-control on a humid day? Not when there’s real issues in the world that need to be addressed like who said homie playing Snoop Dogg in Straight Outta Compton was a good decision, or the fact that Fantasia read an entire teleprompter error-free at this year’s BET Awards.
*sigh* It’s true, I was just outdid by someone will have likely spilled Kool-Aid on their Michael Kors wristlet by the time I’m done writing this post.
6. Ok, fine. They really are cute and maybe one day my child too will rock a Valentino Rockstud flat at age six. Do you boo.