I love Oprah. Why? Well, because she’s Oprah. That and her tendency to Yoncé on everything she touches aside, she’s also introduced me to the importance of an ‘AHA’ moment — that life-altering occurrence when God kicks you in the back of the knee and gifts you with some serious revelations.
Although biologically I’m tapping at thirty’s door, most days it feels like the transition from mopping floors to fries occurred in the blink of an eye. So fast in fact, that somehow I Justin Gatlin’d my behind over some key moments in life. From the forgotten cultural impact of Gullah Gullah Island to finally understanding what Mahalia Jackson meant when she sang “His Eye is on the Sparrow” and all but drowning myself in the nearest bathtub of tears upon the realization that my spiritual life is basically the next contestant on Fixer Upper, it’s amazing how a little living can open your eyes to some of life’s most poignant moments.
So for anyone who now understands why Brenda having a baby was a pretty big deal or that treating Big Mama’s second degree burn with off-brand butter was step one of her demise, these are for you.
1. Patrice from Coming to America was a THOT
Yes, she was the fun loving, crazy, cool younger sister, but chick was also fast as hell. Think about it. She tried to nab both of Lisa’s boo-thangs and exhibited classic signs of Gold-digger behavior. Case in point, settling for whack-a$$ Semmi when she thought he was the prince. It’s also worth noting the quickness in which she pounced on Daryl with no concern as to how dangerous that would actually be, given the slickness of his hair combined with torrential rain.
2. Raven-Symone was once the s**t
Funny how a shaved head, dropping a few lbs and serving as a co-host on one of daytimes most forgettable shows can change a person. The Cosby Show, That’s So Raven, The Cheetah Girls, before she became the No. 1 antagonist to black-sounding names and the ambassador for all things annoying, Raven-Symone was a really cool girl and, dare I say, someone most of us once liked. Now, she’s basically the daytime television equivalent of Holly from Power.
3. My edges survived.
When I look back on my life and the things I’ve done to my hair, all I can say is thank you Jesus. For most of us brown girls, life as a young, black female meant our hair went through ISIS-level torment over the years. Braids, beads, high buns, pin curls, perms, hot combs, ballies and barrettes, oh the tension of it all. And yet here most of us are most of us, able to rock top knots and slick backs worry free.
4. Why my mama was so mad when my bike got stolen
I guess if I paid $80 – $100 for something, only for it to get jacked after being left unattended on the porch for 10 minutes, I’d feel some type of way too.
5. Most of our favorite TV characters were the victims of police brutality or some form of LWB (living while black)
Such a shame all driving while black police stops can’t occur under the protection of a studio audience and be cured in 30 minutes while accompanied by mood-enhancing music. From Eddie Winslow’s stop-and-frisk to Will and Carlton’s Bel-Air arrest, not even the most wholesome of black boys were immune to the men in blue.
6. Dear God, most of us survived our tweens and teenage years without getting shot, jacked or punked for our Starter jackets
And for that, we say thank you.
7. The Black Power Ranger was the Black Power Ranger.
Think about it. Smh.