‘Tis the season to be thotty. Well actually, ‘tis the season to be a more mellowed, understated, sweats and a tank top donning, mess bun version of your summer self. Winter is coming and that means cuffing season is here. Cold weather, warm couches and unopened wine, we’re smack-dab in the middle of primetime to snuggle up with your seasonal pick cuddy buddy.
Whether you’ve found Mr. Right Now or are still flying solo on a Saturday night, there are a few things your house must have in order if you plan on maximizing your cuffing season experience. Think about it. What good is having bae come over to #NetflixAndChill and your subscription is cancelled? Your pimp hand must stay strong and so must your monthly subscriptions. To get you through these next few months as boo’d up and non-basic as possible, we’ve put together the ultimate cuffing season preparedness kit just for you.
1. Get a good couch
This one is key, as you’re liable to be spending several hours here in likely several different positions. Does your primary place of relaxation have flattened cushions, butchered upholstery and unidentified stains? Well buy a toss pillow, get a throw blanket, Febreeze the heck out of it and grow the f**k up. You’re an adult gotdangit and there’s no reason chicken nugget residue should find refuge in the crevices of your couch.
2. Finalize your starting lineup
Always have a hierarchy to your hoes, cuffing buddies or whomever. Know who’s first in line and who’s second and third round draft picks. Come a snowy night you never want to cast a wide net to your team of possibilities. You know that annoying AF person on Facebook with the vague “Saturday night alone” status that screams to the world you’re lonely and horny? Don’t be her.
3. Renew all necessary subscriptions
A while back I invited this guy over to watch Power. I really liked this dude so he got a few special privileges with our TV night — snacks, liquor, a fresh blanket, serious snuggling, tank top with more than enough cleavage — real bae-level treatment and all the makings of a #NetflixAndChill type of night. So I go to open the HBO GO app and nothing. Effing NOTHING. Apparently I forgot to pay my cable bill that week. How mad was I? You see, my frustration wasn’t at the fact that I could no longer watch Power, it was cool for what it was but it wasn’t all that. Power was my in. My excuse to cuddle, let his hands wander, then smash the homie. It was the perfect beginning to a climatic ending. Long story short, I did the deed while CNN played in the background and Donald Trump discussed Isis. Cute, right? Pay your bills and save yourself the potentially awkward moment of having Nightline set the mode on a Saturday night.
4. Perfect the messy bun
It’s an oxymoron, I know, but the point is that you have to perfect your comfy/cute look. I don’t care, but I kinda care hair, 2 – 3 pairs of booty-gripping sweats and V-neck tees.
5. Define your cuffing objectives BEFORE you cuff
Sexcapades, movie buddy, a professional snuggler or an actual soulmate. What’s your vibe this season? No right or wrong answer but try to answer this question before you spend ¾ of the winter laid up with someone.
6. Perfect your playlist
It’s time to give the trap music a break. Here, Drakin’ is perfectly acceptable and highly encouraged. Instead of Fetty Wap and whoever else is hot right now, try some Bryson Tiller, Troop, Jodeci and Ginuwine. Actually, just get lost in the ‘90s and 2000s, come back to us in April and you’ll be fine.
7. Clean Towels
You’ve cuddled, you’ve kissed, you’ve… When it’s all said and done, if you can’t give your person your heart, or a Coke and smile, at least give them the decency of cleaning up properly. It’s only right. And if it’s not right to you, you’re a disgusting human being and remind me to never shake your hand.
What else do you put in your cuffing season kit?